Instruction manuals for successful lovers

In the early days of the internet and forums there was an acronym RTFM which meant ‘read the fucking manual’. It covered a multitude of situations from software installation to programming a gas boiler. It highlighted the fact that men in particular do not go through an instruction manual when they unwrap a new piece of kit and expect to muddle through somehow. It is my experience after nearly 20 years of helping people have affairs that we all come with some sort of instruction manual that is designed to get the best out of the person. Once again, men are less likely to read the instruction manual or pay sufficient attention when I put it down in front of them and underline salient points. Women will complain to me how badly wrong a guy will behave with her and I sometimes say ‘but you come with such a clear instruction manual’ they smile and understand my point. So let me give examples.

I might say to a male client that a particular woman likes a guy to be well presented and perfectly groomed for a date. I say this because in talking to the woman I have picked up on this. This means that maybe a £20 manicure and a freshly pressed shirt and a touch of cologne is called for. Not much to demand. Then when the guy turns up with frayed collar, cuffs and old sweat he is amazed that she isn’t immediately seduced by his appearance. Or I say to a guy, this woman likes to eat in fashionable restaurants and takes the first date venue quite seriously in the seduction stakes. After clearly underlining that paragraph in the manual the guy takes her to Weatherspoons. Yesterday I was setting up a more ‘mistressy’ arrangement. I explained in words of 2 syllables that much as the lady likes him (and she really does) she still expects regular support as part of the deal – that is how she wants things – the guy still insisted that he would ‘try to sort it’ on his terms which meant he felt his God-given charms would get him a free pass. Other times I will say to a guy, ‘remember, this is a married woman with a teenager at home so please be super discreet with text messages or emails.’ The idiot will suddenly feel inspired to send a saucy attachment on an Easter weekend when the family are around.

Women tend to be more aware of things that will rile a potential lover, they tend to be more careful on boundaries and if I suggest that the guy really likes makeup on a woman she usually makes the effort. Or, like the other day I said the guy enjoys having his ego polished the woman will thank me for the instruction manual and stick to it.

I am having this little rant because twice in the last 7 days I have seen potential affairs blown out of the water by guys not heeding advice and guidance. So ladies, what really annoys you and what makes you melt????